The windmill of my mind continues... When Meow and I first started this DD D/S journey 6 months ago my biggest hang-up was: How can my intelligent independent and successful wife want to become (in certain areas) obedient and submissive? ie: weak? How can we do this and not make her subservient? I now realize that Meow found the strength to look honestly at her soul and the strength to accept what she really wanted and surrendered to it, even though it flies in the face of current Feministic dogma. There are so many times a day when I see Meow's actions and hear her words I am almost overwhelmed by the strength that lies behind it. Every time she puts her bare bottom over my knee I see amazing strength.

I can now relate her strength to my own story. In my prior blog I mentioned the spiritual event that first night in the recovery ward-the event that changed my life forever. For decades prior to that I had tried every way I knew how to really become a Christian and know in my heart that I was. Not long before I went into recovery my pastor asked what was standing between God and me and I honestly said that I didn't know. I had spent hours reading books and listening to tapes by John Bradshaw. One of the concepts he advanced had really caught my attention: "The Gods don't play fair".

He felt that when it was time for us to learn a lesson it was presented to us in harder and harder and more dire ways until we got it, or died.

The first night in recovery I was alone and knew that Meow had every right to divorce me and take the kids, that I could lose my job and profession and lose everything I thought I loved. Finally, the Epiphany! I offered a very profane prayer to God saying that God played dirty and unfair! I remembered several life-threatening lessons that I had ignored. I remembered that I had never, ever prayed to God without everything being based on my terms and conditions. I realized that I had to surrender, absolutely, willing to accept God's will for my life and my soul. When I did that I was surrounded and filled with the "Holy Spirit". I won't attempt to describe it. The closest descriptive word is rapture.

That made me ready for the 12 steps. 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. 2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. MADE A DECISION TO TURN OUR WILL AND OUT LIVES OVER TO THE CARE OF GOD, AS WE UNDERSTOOD GOD.

Being obedient and submissive-sound familiar? Being obedient and submissive to God/Higher Power gave me the strength to go through those 30 days of pain in giving up my weakness, and the pain since. Total surrender gives me strength. The name of my favorite AA meeting was "Surrender to Win".

I thank Meow for catching onto a very powerful dynamic for both of us.