Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Grumpy Lash

First of all a big "thanks" to Bonnie and everyone who has supported and linked to my new blog.

Grumpy: I agree with my wife's ("Meow Learns about Life") blog. The man was a vital mentor in the last two years of my post-doctorate training and we both enjoyed him. As usual Meow was a trooper and was a great host in spite of his wife. Meow is finally feeling some better-hopefully good enough for a good spanking tonight! We have both missed it.

Grumpy cont'. I had an excellent job about 75 minutes from the town we live in which meant easy commutes for us-especially for frequent cuddles and spankings. Radical-and stupid-changes forced me to quit my job in late June. I've also had surgery on my left wrist and elbow with pain and 6 weeks of disability, and now have to have the right wrist done in two weeks with another four weeks of disability-I'm putting off the right elbow. I've had two jobs lined up to start in September and both have fallen through-and neither had the decency to tell me! Both wrists and elbows are throbbing and I am frustrated! End of rant.

On the good and important side, I am clean and sober, I have Meow and our wonderful new relationship and we live in the Rocky Mountains. Lash

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Wow! Such an outpouring of love and acceptance for my first blog. Thanks to all.

I'm mulling over Meow's love for the alpine tundra (see her last blog) while I am drawn to the sub-alpine and moraine forests. I need to think on that.

Meanwhile, I don't think I will add word verification or moderation to my blog (grin).

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The windmill of my mind continues... When Meow and I first started this DD D/S journey 6 months ago my biggest hang-up was: How can my intelligent independent and successful wife want to become (in certain areas) obedient and submissive? ie: weak? How can we do this and not make her subservient? I now realize that Meow found the strength to look honestly at her soul and the strength to accept what she really wanted and surrendered to it, even though it flies in the face of current Feministic dogma. There are so many times a day when I see Meow's actions and hear her words I am almost overwhelmed by the strength that lies behind it. Every time she puts her bare bottom over my knee I see amazing strength.

I can now relate her strength to my own story. In my prior blog I mentioned the spiritual event that first night in the recovery ward-the event that changed my life forever. For decades prior to that I had tried every way I knew how to really become a Christian and know in my heart that I was. Not long before I went into recovery my pastor asked what was standing between God and me and I honestly said that I didn't know. I had spent hours reading books and listening to tapes by John Bradshaw. One of the concepts he advanced had really caught my attention: "The Gods don't play fair".
He felt that when it was time for us to learn a lesson it was presented to us in harder and harder and more dire ways until we got it, or died.

The first night in recovery I was alone and knew that Meow had every right to divorce me and take the kids, that I could lose my job and profession and lose everything I thought I loved. Finally, the Epiphany! I offered a very profane prayer to God saying that God played dirty and unfair! I remembered several life-threatening lessons that I had ignored. I remembered that I had never, ever prayed to God without everything being based on my terms and conditions. I realized that I had to surrender, absolutely, willing to accept God's will for my life and my soul. When I did that I was surrounded and filled with the "Holy Spirit". I won't attempt to describe it. The closest descriptive word is rapture.

That made me ready for the 12 steps. 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. 2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. MADE A DECISION TO TURN OUR WILL AND OUT LIVES OVER TO THE CARE OF GOD, AS WE UNDERSTOOD GOD.

Being obedient and submissive-sound familiar? Being obedient and submissive to God/Higher Power gave me the strength to go through those 30 days of pain in giving up my weakness, and the pain since. Total surrender gives me strength. The name of my favorite AA meeting was "Surrender to Win".

I thank Meow for catching onto a very powerful dynamic for both of us.
Yesterday I was very impressed with J Flame's honesty and courage in blogging about being an alcoholic; it brought back many memories, starting with pain. Today I was impressed with Ginger's blog about "Pain is a sign of weakness leaving the body". And so thoughts began spinning in the whirlwind of my mind-a different type of pain but still apropos.

On January 26th I celebrated 20 years in recovery for alcoholism and narcotic addiction. I have vivid memories of the pain I caused for Meow and family, friends,co-workers and many innocent bystanders. I remember the pain of my emptiness that could not be filled and knowing I was totally controlled by addiction and was not-so-slowly committing suicide. I was at my bottom of my abyss. I knew I would die soon. During the first night in a "recovery ward" I had an indescribable spiritual experience that was life shattering and life altering.

And then came 30 days of "recovery". Six hours a day of "group therapy" for six days a week. That's when I had the continual pain of weakness leaving my body. The weaknesses of guilt, shame, anger (especially that wonderful righteous anger), dishonesty, greed, being a victim, pride, arrogance... the list went on and on. Group therapy relentlessly exposed these weaknesses and held them in my face until I had to let them go. Group therapy used the pain of my weaknesses to strip my soul bare for all to see.

But then came the deliciousness and joy of recovery. My Higher Power began to fill that emptiness. The 12 Steps and the Big Book lead me into a new way of thinking and living. AA's loved me from the first meeting on. I have never been to a 12 Step meeting that I haven't seen a miracle in a person's life. Many miracles have occurred in my life.

The pain of weaknesses still jabs me into awareness as I peel the layers of the proverbial "onion" of my soul. The Myers Briggs, The Enneagram, many spiritual and religious teachings all point to accepting and leaving weaknesses on a path of redemption.